Trigger – quite a depressing post!
So I’m home from a 2 week trip to Walt Disney World (I’ll abbreiviate to WDW). The place I’ve been in the past and felt happy, at peace, no axiety or depression – just pure happiness …. NOT THIS TIME! I arrived at the airport and started crying, checked in whilst crying, cried as I watched my suitcase disappear, walked onto the plane in tears … I wanted to go home so badly. For the 2 weeks we were out there I cried and wanted to go home but I didn’t want to leave. The place I thought I could escape my anxiety, depression and autism is now forever tainted with the experience of the depression I felt. I would actually wake up in the morning and get teary as I didn’t want to go to the Disney parks. I’m shocked as I type this. Disney and WDW has always been my only escape from my poor mental health but this time it didn’t work. I posted things on Facebook during my trip, I thought it would trick my mind into thinking everything was fine and I was enjoying it but it didn’t. Such a complicated mind I have.
I’m not in a good place at the moment < those words just don’t give justice to the psychological or mental pain I’m suffering at the moment. But those are the only words I seem to be able to mutter to people. 1 – because I don’t know what to say. 2 – because I’m quite ashamed to be so depressed and anxious, 3 – because I feel guilty for being like this. I was suppose to help chaperone a trip this weekend and I said before I went away that actually I couldn’t do it as it was so close to me coming home from the holiday and I’d be extremely tired and anxious, no help really … I still spent my 2 week holiday stressing over it. Since I’ve been home I’ve found out the trip was moved to another date and the children were disappointed, so theres abiout 2/3 months worth of beating myself up, not being able to make eye contact with those I let down, just general avoiding of the people I let down and anyone who knows them or people who know people who know the people I let down- lucky me!
I have a appointment at my mental health centre to evaluate my situation. An appointment I requested at the end of Feburary and have been given a date for the end of April. My doctor told me he wrote a detailed letter to the mental health cetre explaining that I was suffering quite badly but I can bet my life on the moment I walk in to my consultattion with the mental health nurse, they’ll ask why I’m there. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to find people who make the effort to feel like I’m actually a priority. These tablets I’ve been on since christmas just are not working but it’s taken til the end of April for someone to see me to see what they can do. I live on Propanol at the moment as this is what takes away the physical syptoms of my anxiety (the being sick, butterflies etc.) as Diazepam is addictive!
I have 2 tattoos of a semi colon, inspired by the Semi Colon Project which is about people wanting to commit suicide but don’t, the semicolon is when the author could have ended the sentence but chose to carry on – this analagy is paired up with this idea of wanting to commit suicide but you don’t, you carry on – the irony is that the founder has recently died from suicide. People are talking about how the founders story will go on. It won’t, shes ended her life, its over now. I don’t know if its my aspergers but it’s quite obvious that her story won’t go on because her life is over. I just want to scratch out my tattoos now. For me it affirms that eventually the thoughts will win and suicide will happen to those who suffer the thoughts. << this hasn’t really helped my mood either.
Its so sad that I can’t seem to talk about anything happy or positive. I might do a seperate blog of my Disney photos with Beast (the only time I had happy tears!) who I met at the Be Our Guest restraunt. I guess my life will be endless negativity until I’m cured! < thats sarcasim, I’ll never be cured. I’ll never be better … I am starting therapy on Monday! Privately as I can’t wait any longer for the free stuff, I’m going more crazy than I currently am if thats even possible! …. theres probably a Alice in Wonderland quote there but I’m too tired!