I’m asking and He ain’t tellin’

Today was church day. The day of church. The day we go to church … until 4pm! Yes at The Salvation Army we just can’t get enough of Jesus … and cups of tea!

While the morning service was good (I was more focused on the smell of the paint, the lack of the platform, the echo of the speakers with there being no carpet, the small patch of missing pain behind the big screen, the uneven amounts of paint on the tiles by the hatch, the out of time clapping and probably more things – #AspieIssues), the afternoon service was very thought provoking and my senses where so far into overdrive that I tried to ignore them … plus I knew I would get sweets at the end of it (I’m sorry)

The Sally Army flag is a staple part of the image for us. The Boss (my new term for my officers!) made the best point about our flag, it is never lowered or at half mast … because God is never gone or out the country or dead! Through Godly Play, we explored the representations of the flag colours … so simply, just 3 colours – blue, red & gold/yellow

Yellow – for the power of God and the Holy Spirit
Red for blood of Christ that was shed for us
Blue for the purity of God

I took a picture because it was so beautiful.

With all this beauty that I see of God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit, why do I feel so un-beautiful?

I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m behind on life. I feel like I’m not following my plan for my life …. I know you’re going to say ‘Well God has a plan for us all’ .. AH HA I know! but I don’t like not knowing, I raise you your quote and give you this quote ‘Ask and you shall receive’ … I’m askin’ an’ he ain’t tellin’

I want to yell “Just tell me for Gods sake” … maybe its for Gods sake that I love him, trust in him and travel the paths when he reveals them to me? – that has just popped into my mind, scary!

Side note:- a lady from our church family was Promoted to Glory recently (Sally Army term for passed away, love it!), please think of my church family and her small family in your prayers as we adapt to life without her.

2nd side note for Sam :- this is my analysis of my thinking at the moment, not a reflection …

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Lindsey’s back Beaches! (B99 reference there!)

I can’t believe it has been nearly 1 whole year since I last blogged. I really enjoyed it so I don’t understand why I’m so lazy when it comes to actually physically sitting down and typing it. My new years resolution (14 days late, no surprise there!) is to blog more. It helps me de-clutter my brain. I’m typing this knowing no-one is probably going to read it so I can spill my guts and save money on therapy!

Where am I? Still living with the parents, still have 3 cats, still haven’t found the cure for autism so still a bit of a weirdo … Ooh I’m now a Masters student though and have not dropped out yet!

I would like to quickly mention what happened to my yesterday, it was a very peculiar day … someone from my church fell seriously ill, I drove past what seemed like a potential suicide (it wasn’t in the end!). Then the power across the area I lived in went out leaving traffic lights out, house alarms blaring and the hospital without power … the day just felt so strange! (My husband decided to consider it to be the end of the world, I laughed as his first joke then began to believe it when he joked again, still gullible as ever!)

But when I stopped to think of the day my mind was drawn to the person seriously ill in hospital. With no family at all, the important life decisions fell to the persons church leader … I expect to make these decision maybe once or twice for our close loved ones, church leaders have to make these decisions for some many of their elderly congregation who have no family. My mind stopped there as I tried to imagine where they get the strength to deal with something so HUGE.

How do they do it? I could not, I know that for sure!

My prayer yesterday was that God drew close to all those people in the same position as my church leader, making life and death decisions. That God surround them with his love and let them know they are supported by his strength!

On a happier note, my life is now filled with Brooklyn Nine Nine memes so expect my blog to be littered with them!

Floating in the middle where we are left to suffer in our mental torture! 

So I saw a post that was advertising a event in a local library all about autism. I thought great, the list of attendees would be interesting to have a chat to and learn more about myself and my autism. Then I saw the fatal comment ‘…. support our children and families’ – and I’m back to square one.

When it comes to autism we only seem to be able to support children and their families, when you become a adult we all lose the ability to understand it. It’s like it’s a foreign condition that we’ve never seen before.

When it comes Aspergers, for me, it’s a whole different story. Aspergers seems to fall between severe autism (maybe can’t feed, dress, generally look after themselves – needs 24 hr care and assistant) and not having autism. I have Aspergers and even though I seem to function somewhat normally I still have the struggles of autism yet this middle ground isn’t catered for. 

I don’t need to be placed in respite or need a carer but I also don’t need to be left alone and ignored. I don’t need 24 hr care or assistant but I need someone to help me cope with my social inabilities. It’s like I can’t be autistic because I’m not severe enough for people take take it seriously. Yet it’s the hardest thing for me to live with. 

Why aren’t there events for advice for those of us who struggle through with our autism. For those of us who fall in the middle. For us who just about cope in life as our autism can ruin parts of life for us but from the outside people think we’ll ‘get by’. 

When I had my autism assessment, the psychiatrist could see that I was supported by my husband and that even though I struggled we worked together to get through life. That bit is fine I just need help understanding how my autism is apart of me and maybe some professional guidance … he offered him a respite leaflet!

These are my personal opinions, this is how I’ve formed my view on it from other people’s opinions, trying to access help etc. This is slightly random post as I saw the Facebook event and just got sad. 

If you’ve got it everyone’s probably got it!

Everyone has anxiety and depression. It’s like a fashion trend. Well that’s what it feels like to me. 
I’ve just finished watching one born every minute, a lady was having a baby and was talking about how she has anxiety and depression. I constantly see it on my news feed on Facebook. People are always sharing supporting posts It makes me think is anxiety and depression so over used that it’s become to norm to be this way?

If I talk about my own I almost feel like it’s not worth talking about because everyone is suffering so what’s the point? 

Then I get quite confused because my experiences  and current state of anxiety and depression would not even allow me to start describing it publicly to people on Facebook so how do people who say they have it so openly tell their 1000+ friends on Facebook? The thought alone causes me so much anxiety. 

When I talk to the mental health nurse or my GP about it I feel like they’ve heard to all before and I don’t feel like I’m getting support that I need. 

Someone decides to dedicate a month to mental health awareness and suddenly everyone is suffering from anxiety and depression, sharing a sweet photo of mental health quote and openly expressing their struggles and how hard it is to tell people yet your telling us all … are you really anxious and depressed?

There’s got to be more than me thinking it, some people use it and abuse it . Yes I have anxiety and depression, no way am I going to spill out every little detail about my experiences, I can barely talk to my doctor about it. Do people really understand what anxiety and depression is to justify using the terms on themselves? 

Then I wonder does anxiety and depression differ for those on the spectrum, those of us with autism or Aspergers. I’m not great at expressing emotions or feelings so maybe all these people expressing their issues, I’m just struggling to understand it. Maybe it’s more intense for us because we have the added difficulty of ASD/ASC, that’s why I don’t openly splurge my life story because that alone would cause a whole new level of anxiety and depression to descend on what I already have? 

I’m very much a sharer of information on a need to know basis. So people who are close to me or people I interact with frequently will need to know otherwise I come across as percuilar, weird and rude.

I’m not going to share a picture of a mental health quote but a picture of me where I experienced about 10 minutes of pure happiness. Me and my Beast ❤️

is it really autism awareness?

So ‘autism awareness day’ was a couple of days ago and I’m currently seeing that it’s also ‘autism awareness month’ and I find it very interesting that all the sharing of ‘memes’ about this on Facebook are being shared by non autistic/neurotypical people. The people who need the awareness the most and don’t usually understand what they are sharing or think they know it all but they don’t. I admire those who try but admit they don’t get it, they never truly will unless they have it themselves, they are humble in their knowledge not cocky and stuck up thinking they know all about autism. I do find it interesting watching the arguments unravel online mainly over Facebook.

I did spend a little time for ‘autism awareness’ looking into the big issues people have with Autism Speaks and I’m very shocked with just what Autism Speaks have done and said and see how this upsets people with autism. I won’t look at the jigsaw piece the same way again too. Originally used by somewhere else it was picked up by Autism Speaks, they see autism as a thing that has broken children, that children are broken and have a missing piece. This is so unkind and insensitive. A child is just different not broken. I read some of their past tag lines or promotional quotes where they state they will try to find a ‘cure’ to autism – autism can’t be cured, how ignorant can they be? Started by grandparents of a child with autism, they vowed to find cures and treatments for autism and support families of children – do the children not need support, do the children who become adults not get support when they become adults?

I read a great blog (the caffeinated autistic on WordPress) that really enlightened me and it had a link to a blog of a mum. It highlights so many more issues.

To be honest I’ve learned a couple of things from looking into ‘autism awareness’ –

  • don’t light up blue for autism speaks,
  • don’t just make people aware of autism during april, teach them all year round.
  • maybe teach them autism acceptance not awareness.
  • talk to people with autism, we’ll tell you what you need. Or an article or book by an autistic person. Not someone who has completed x amount of hours of training.

On a personal note, my gosh my mental health is suffering so badly. I’m not sleeping (which is common for people with autism), I’m spending my nights crying and being sick due to anxiety, the night-time is making me so anxious. I think because I’m alone, the thoughts start entering my head and I can’t control them. I’m pretty sure my meds are not working so I’m coping (or not coping) on my own – I can’t change them for another 3 weeks. However I have finally started therapy, albeit, its private so I’m paying for it at least I finally have a professional to talk to.

To be sad or not to be sad … at DisneyWorld!

Trigger – quite a depressing post!

 

So I’m home from a 2 week trip to Walt Disney World (I’ll abbreiviate to WDW). The place I’ve been in the past and felt happy, at peace, no axiety or depression – just pure happiness …. NOT THIS TIME! I arrived at the airport and started crying, checked in whilst crying, cried as I watched my suitcase disappear, walked onto the plane in tears … I wanted to go home so badly. For the 2 weeks we were out there I cried and wanted to go home but I didn’t want to leave. The place I thought I could escape my anxiety, depression and autism is now forever tainted with the experience of the depression I felt. I would actually wake up in the morning and get teary as I didn’t want to go to the Disney parks. I’m shocked as I type this. Disney and WDW has always been my only escape from my poor mental health but this time it didn’t work. I posted things on Facebook during my trip, I thought it would trick my mind into thinking everything was fine and I was enjoying it but it didn’t. Such a complicated mind I have.

I’m not in a good place at the moment < those words just don’t give justice to the psychological or mental pain I’m suffering at the moment. But those are the only words I seem to be able to mutter to people. 1 – because I don’t know what to say. 2 – because I’m quite ashamed to be so depressed and anxious, 3 – because I feel guilty for being like this. I was suppose to help chaperone a trip this weekend and I said before I went away that actually I couldn’t do it as it was so close to me coming home from the holiday and I’d be extremely tired and anxious, no help really … I still spent my 2 week holiday stressing over it. Since I’ve been home I’ve found out the trip was moved to another date and the children were disappointed, so theres abiout 2/3 months worth of beating myself up, not being able to make eye contact with those I let down, just general avoiding of the people I let down and anyone who knows them or people who know people who know the people I let down- lucky me!

I have a appointment at my mental health centre to evaluate my situation. An appointment I requested at the end of Feburary and have been given a date for the end of April. My doctor told me he wrote a detailed letter to the mental health cetre explaining that I was suffering quite badly but I can bet my life on the moment I walk in to my consultattion with the mental health nurse, they’ll ask why I’m there. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to find people who make the effort to feel like I’m actually a priority. These tablets I’ve been on since christmas just are not working but it’s taken til the end of April for someone to see me to see what they can do. I live on Propanol at the moment as this is what takes away the physical syptoms of my anxiety (the being sick, butterflies etc.) as Diazepam is addictive!

I have 2 tattoos of a semi colon, inspired by the Semi Colon Project which is about people wanting to commit suicide but don’t, the semicolon is when the author could have ended the sentence but chose to carry on – this analagy is paired up with this idea of wanting to commit suicide but you don’t, you carry on – the irony is that the founder has recently died from suicide. People are talking about how the founders story will go on. It won’t, shes ended her life, its over now. I don’t know if its my aspergers but it’s quite obvious that her story won’t go on because her life is over. I just want to scratch out my tattoos now. For me it affirms that eventually the thoughts will win and suicide will happen to those who suffer the thoughts. << this hasn’t really helped my mood either.

Its so sad that I can’t seem to talk about anything happy or positive. I might do a seperate blog of my Disney photos with Beast (the only time I had happy tears!) who I met at the Be Our Guest restraunt. I guess my life will be endless negativity until I’m cured! < thats sarcasim, I’ll never be cured. I’ll never be better … I am starting therapy on Monday! Privately as I can’t wait any longer for the free stuff, I’m going more crazy than I currently am if thats even possible! …. theres probably a Alice in Wonderland quote there but I’m too tired!

Back again … part 2!

 

So my last post was 4 months ago, now what has happened since then?

  • I’ve been struggling finding medication that will make me feel better.
  • I’ve lost all interest in everything.
  • Christmas had its usual effect of making me super anxious due to starting a new year.
  • My nan died.
  • My depression and anxiety got worse.
  • It’s still bad.
  • I recently celebrated my 2nd wedding anniversary.

I’m 16 days away from my trip to Disney World, something I spent all of 2016 waiting for and now it’s here I can’t find the strength to even pretend to be happy or excited about. My depression is at an all time worse, my anxiety is at its highest. Medication doesn’t seem to be touching it, I’m on a 9 month waiting list for therapy and my GP just talks utter crap to me until I walk out because it makes no sense to me.

I’m stuck in a rutt. However this rutt is getting deeper. My head makes no sense, it’s just cloudy. I feel depressed and anxious but I don’t really know why. It’s killing me because I need to know why. I know it’s probably related to my nans death.

Everything is a trigger for me. I can look at anything and it can bring unwanted thoughts that bring up my anxiety. I can’t even escape into my own world. The world I created in my head to escape from the struggles of my reality has a permeant padlock now so I can’t find comfort.

 

So yeah life has been slightly difficult recently. I’m waiting for my GP to find more medication and write to the therapy company to see if they can help me sooner but that was a week ago, so I’m not holding out on that now.

Do I just carry on crying and hurting until someone somewhere can help me, if it’s possible? Do I save up money and get my own therapy? Could I afford to see a psychologist? I’ve never seen one before, and I’ve only been in the presence of a Psychiatrist for about 3 hours for my autism assessment. Will a basic therapist do?

Picture from https://www.facebook.com/MentalHealthandInvisibleIllnessResource

New Beauty and the Beast images from EW!!!

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY WE LOVE YOU!!

EW has released stills from the Beauty and the Beast film being released next March 2017 (which I’m flying over to America to see so I don’t have to wait for the UK to get it!)

My only quibbly is Beast, I think his face is too flat and small otherwise I CANNOT WAIT!!

Check the rest out at Entertainment Weekly website below!!

http://www.ew.com/article/2016/11/02/beauty-and-the-beast-emma-watson-ew-cover

http://www.ew.com/gallery/beauty-and-the-beast-photos