What are friends for? No, seriously I don’t understand!

Who with Aspergers has friends? What is the difference between friends and acquaintances? Then is there personal friends and work friends? Are people at work called friends? How often do you see your friends?

I have a couple of friends who I haven’t seen in months and it doesn’t bother me. Does this make me a bad/horrible person?

There is 1 friend who I see everyday – my husband.

There is 1 friend I see 2/3/4 times a week – Sam (my minister.)

Everyone else have drifted away. I don’t make the effort to keep in contact which I become aware of when my husband reminds me. Even then I get a panic/anxiety attack and we don’t talk about it again for another 6 months. It doesn’t occur to me that I haven’t seen friends in so long. I love living my life in my own world.

When I do start making plans I start to get anxious. I worry about what we will do, talk about, worry if I’m looking interested enough (which sadly I am often not unless I am talking about myself/my interests), then I panic about where we will go, if its a new place, will I be able to cope with all the sensory input. I can’t sociliase for too long, maybe 1/2 hours but its hard to to stand up and walk out as I never know how to end the day or recognise social cues.

When I get home I tend to cry as I’m trying to process what happened. Usually because I didn’t want to be there, there was spontaenous plans, things were different than I expect etc. It can sometimes be painful.

I like to stay in my own space, in my own house, usually watching and rewatching Disney/Stargate SG-1. I don’t like people coming into my space or getting in the way of my own time.

On the otherhand, I can become quite obsessed with a single friend at a time and find it difficult when they are seeing other friends – I’m like a jealous partner. Its crazy!

I find my Aspergers gives me a ALL or NOTHING view on life. Shame.

I think I’m a nice person though ….

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Back for good – not the song, me!

Its been so long since I last blogged. I’ve been coming off secondary medication, trying to live without it, not coping, going onto something else, having a bad reaction to it and now I’m off it and trying again without a second lot …

Life is confusing. I’m back to my constant state of anxiety, getting 1-2 hours of sleep a night, over thinking everything, creating new things to become anxious about and over think.

I spend my days tricking myself into thinking I’m doing something productive … but I’m not. I enjoy doing nothing, I like being alone, I like not having to make myself sociable yet I feel extremely guilty for it all. I can’t seem to accept that this is who I am. Yet I get anxious that I don’t have a job, that I enjoy my days alone, that I don’t make an effort with people, that I don’t fit in with the norm.

I’m trying to focus on the fact that I’M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD IN 4 MONTHS & 1 WEEK but then it hits me that when we get back I need to work out a money plam for my MSc and workout how to save for a house.

Thinking about buying a house makes me feel scared. I seem to have this idea in my head that we can’t move out of my parents house because they need me, my mum needs me. I need to stay with her. We need to stay with them. They’ve helped us out so much as we don’t pay rent or food. When me and the hubby do get our own place and my nan passes away (my nan lives with us too! its a mad house!), they will be alone and what if they can’t afford to live alone, what if they become homeless, what if things turn very bad. What is they need us. … OR is my anxiety playing with my mind, what if they are fine, they haven’t said anything about needing us. My mum did mention maybe me and the hubby could get a house with a granny annex and they live with us that way and they offer us some deposit from selling their house … Man I needed to get this off my chest!

I want my mum and dad to come with us. I’d feel better knowing we were looking after them now and they were close … but is that really good for me?

After paying for uni and saving for a house its going to be like 3/4 years til we probably get a house … my hubby will be 33/34 years old. Will it be too late to be getting a house and being a little independant family? Am I holding him back? Have I done everything wrong?

This is were I start to feel like maybe there is no point to life, it just doesn’t seem to be panning out and I feel like lives have been ruined and lost chances of being normal.

A man was recently talked down off a bridge close to where I live. I kept praying that he come down and feel God’s presence to know he is loved and suicide was not the answer … then I think things would be better if I was jumping off that bridge or swallowing lots of pills … it’s a strange world.

Is it a little irrational in here or is it just me?

Ok so i’ve been gone for ages. I’m on my last stage of coming off my mirtazapine (so i’m between 15mg and 0mg!!) and I have my appointment all ready at the Stein Centre (mental health centre) to pop me on something else, great news! … actually no. I don’t know if I want to go on more medication again. However after the other day, waking up at 12am and stimming for about 5 hours straight because I was very anxious over going somewhere the next day, maybe I need to?

I’ve also been thinking a little unrationally too. My head had been buzzing. All this has happened when I’ve been at home. What happens when I start getting out again to church, to youth club etc. while not on a 2nd medication, would I cope?

There is one thing that has been keeping me busy and sane … Cricut Explore Air machine! The bestest thing ever for crafting.

From all of this, me and the hubby have decided to let me work for myself, printing t-shirts, about aspergers …. I’m so excited. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go back to working as a TA or any job. Then I got my Cricut machine and I’ve been cutting cothing vinyl and designs t-shirts.

I see lots of t-shirts telling me Aspergers is awesome but people don’t get to see the other side of Aspergers like having a meltdown because the till lady asked you if you needed a bag for your shopping (now bags aren’t free, they ask you if you need one!).

At the time its a horrendous experience but looking back its quite funny and being a deadpan person, people find my wording of experiences very funny!

SOOOOO … #AspieIssues is my current venture, its going to be a long road but i’m so excited! I’m thinking of t-shirts, canvas bags, mobile phone covers! my cover picture is an example of one of my t-shirts.

If you like the look of them or want to see more, find me on facebook using @aspieissues. My page is called Hashtag AspieIssues (they wouldn’t let me use a # symbol). I’ve only just created it tonight so bare with me!!

 

Church got a little bit messy on Sunday

So yesterday was the first Messy Church session for me and Moreton and I rather enjoyed it.

We decided to start of with the one and only man, Elvis Pre- I’m joking, it was Jesus. So we decked the room out with christmas decorations and deeply analysed the story of Jesus … well actually we played pass the parcel, while listening to christmas tunes with each layer of the parcel containing a picture relating to Jesus’ birth!

I was impressed on the knowledge that the children had on the birth of Jesus. The next step it to help them realise how awesome he was/is and how much he loves us all! – Challenge accepted!! (Sam might murder me for accepting that MASSIVE challenge on her behalf!)

The afternoon was filled with a family BBQ to celebrate Toms wonderful 36 years of life on this earth! I think it was just an excuse to get the BBQ out, he seemed to really enjoy it. I think it’s a man thing! Tom is my cousins hubby! Nicest bloke on the planet, most difficult bloke to understand (he has a unique accent – mixture of everywhere in England I think!

I was feeling a little pooped on sunday night so I knew today had to be  a rest day! Aspie issue 101 – I have to schedule in rest days. These rest days often consist of me sitting alone for long periods of time as socialising of any form is extremely tiring for me 😦 I love being alone, I like to escape to my little world in my head which is often modelled of what ever TV series or book I am obsessing over at the time!

I have 3 TV series I obsess over: Stargate SG-1, Once Upton A Time & House M.D. I watch these consistently. So for example, I could watch Stargate SG-1 over and over again for 6-7 months. While watching these TV series I watch a lot of Disney Films/Disney Youtube videos.

It’s weird but its me and it’s also what other aspies do. This is how we feel happy and safe and calm in this crazy world.

Wean me off gently.

Aspie issue 101 – medication!

I’ve decided that I can’t cope with the constant hot flushes/sweating, weight gain & leg pain so I’ve decided that I need to come off my 2nd medication Mirtazapine. I already take Venlafaxine and Diazepam.

So this starts 4 weeks of gradually decreasing my medication 30mg to 15mg then 15mg to ZERO! I’m not looking forward to the side effect of trying to come off it – sickness, dizyness, tirdness, headaches (according to the internet!) …. PLUS I’ll gain the added anxiety and paranoia that it has been helping combat + back to sleepless nights!

This is like a forewarning that my blogs over the next 4 weeks may be slightly deranged, no I’m joking, I mean they might seem slightly far fetched and perculiar as my mood will be rather unstable!

I may spend tomorrow typing up  a blog on exactly what I suffer with and more about me and my Aspergers.

Now thats a Major job !!

I thought working with children to be a demanding job. Children are our future and we need to spend the time and effort making sure they grow into the normal respectable people this world needs to carry on.

When I chose my career to be child orienteered I thought I would be putting the world to right by saving all these young people and making sure they were psychologically sound for the future that was in store … then I explored religion and found a job much more difficult.

In the Salvation Army, the people who we see as vicars e.g. Dawn French as the Vicar of Dibley, go by the term ministers (I think). But within the army they have a rank such as Major. Being a minister in the Salvation Army is all about bring people to God – both believers and non believers – saving them. Recently me and the hubby having been attending the core church of our local Salvation Army which is run by Major Jonathon. He is simply amazing. His calm spirit and passion for Jesus gives me so much inspiration. He is a truly blessed with the gift of sharing the word of God and Jesus. I am in awe of his beautiful passion and love for God. I feel so very blessed to have crossed paths with both Sam and Jonathon.

Tonight I thought how difficult it can be to minister people when they sometimes loose the end sight that we are here to love and spread the word of Jesus and live a life of Jesus. My idea of saving young people was suddenly irrelevant when I think about them 2 on their mission to show EVERYONE the love of Jesus and save the world. The it dawned on me, maybe it’s not difficult for Sam and Jonathon, they are called upon by God. I am blessed to have them in my life.

Then I started to think what happens if I get a call from God, … yeah I think I’ll end this blog now before I get ahead of myself 🙂

p.s i haven’t spell checked it as i’m too tired.

Whats in a name?

Wow its been 8 days since my last post. For anyone who has been following and enjoying my blog I apologise profusley! I’ve been lazy! I was going to make an excuse but I don’t generally lie … I have been kind of busy suffering with all sorts of side effects from my medication!

Aspie issue 101 – anyone who is following, if anyone takes medication called Mirtazapine do you suffer from any side effects? (Obviously you don’t have to say you are on medication, thats cool!)

Whats in a name I hear you repeat as you wonder why I use this title … I have become a mother to 2 more furbabies – budgies! The last time I had a budge I was 3/4 years old, he was a nark, called Billy and the only words he could say was ‘Billys a dirty bastard’. The latter was due to his long standing owner (Nelly) repeating that to him because he didn’t clean himself! I can assue you I won’t be calling Chip and Dale anything but my beautiful babies 🙂

(The name is inspired from Disney and a dedication to my husband! However as the days have gone on we are thinking Chip is a girl which then leads us to the dreaded thought of …BABIES :0)

My last post was about does God love my mum even though shes blatently going to hell … I joke, well she probably is but not because shes a wicked person but because she doesn’t accept Jesus as her saviour.This week I haven’t so much been thinking over about God but more like crying my eyes out at the possibility of never seeing John again in any sort of afterlife and that the rest of our lives together isn’t enough for me to be with him. I cried so hard I gave myself a headache so ended up getting off to sleep with my 3omg Mirtazapine, 3 ibrobrupen and 10mg Diazepam.

I can’t imagine life without him. I don’t want to grow old so I don’t have to face life without him. Then it dawned on me that Gods plan could be that he leaves this world next week so I’d have an even longer span of life without him. Then I thought about the next 60 years together (a realistic number of years left) and equated it to how many time we would be able to go to disney and then cried more because it wasn’t enough. Then tried to comprehend that when we die its over, we don’t exsit anymore so I wouldn’t see John ever again … I could go on but I’m sure you get the jist of it. In this situation I think my Aspergers is stopping me from seeing the realistic view on life and only see the logical view – when I say logical I mean the bare facts, most people can understand that that is just how life is but I can’t. It’s like I expect everything to carry on happening forever, I don’t understand there being an end or change – ASPIE ISSUE 101!!

I have high and low moments/moods, I swing between them quite dramatically and that was definitely a low night!

Feel free to pop your opinion in the comments about anything. I love knowing other peoples opinions .. I’m also nosey so its a win win situation 🙂

 

Does God love my mum?

So today has consisted of me trying to prepare for the Guardians of Ancora holiday club that starts on Monday. It’s a holiday club run through the Slavation Army with Sam!

Last night was Aroma in Tesco cafe. Aroma is a discussion group also run by Sam (brilliant woman, you should meet her one day!) about God and life which was followed by a invite to a lady’s house (Margaret, a wise and loving lady!) to talk, which was also kind of God related.

So God has been on my mind. The next thing I knew I was filled with guilt. Why? Because of my mum!

I think one of my aspie issues 101 is the unhealthy attachment I have to my mum. I never knew how to form normal relationships so I just tried harder to make sure she liked me, I became too attached.

My mum doesn’t believe in religion and God so I was never brought up with it, actually she’s quite against it. When I started to explore it I was just looking into it, now I’m living my life full of religion I’m scared shes going to not like me anymore. Surely a mum can’t not like her daughter over that? I don’t know, I don’t understand how people work.

Why can’t I just enjoy religion in my life and just relax and know my mum won’t hate me, I’m sure she can just accept it, or can she? Argh!

How do I fully enjoy Jesus in my life when I’m constantly worried what my mum is thinking? How do I break this unhealthy attachment and build a normal one?

My feature picture is of me, dad, hubby and mum on my wedding day. This is the only picture I have with me and mum in it.

 

This post could make no sense, I don’t feel like I can make much sense of my head at the moment …

THANK YOU :)

That big thank you title ^^ … thats for the people who liked my blogs and started following me on here. Thats really kind of you to take the time to read and follow me. Means the world to me! Thank you so so so so much from the bottom of my heart 🙂

If you’re thinking yeah yeah just like my blog back then I will … when I remember, I have a terrible memory but I’ve concluded it could be an aspie issue 101 – I’m too self-centred to think about others to consider following back, it escapes my mind very quickly! I know this can make me look like a bad person but I really can’t help it!

Right back to me & Disney. Check out my shoes I’m in the process of making:

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I’m so fed up of waiting for someone like Vans to bring our Disney shoes that I want (plus shoes that aren’t expensive) I’ve decided to do my own. I enjoyed it so much I might start selling some once I’ve perfected the technique! Keep your eyes peeled for awesome shoes that I can make for you (that are cheaper than Vans!!).

Also I’d like to shout out to any Salvationists out there, leave me a comment or something! I didn’t realise you guys are all around the world! While planning my trip to Walt Disney World next March (7 months to go, YAY!) I tried to source out a church so me and the hubby didn’t miss our sunday worship and guess what … yes you got it, I found the local Salvation Army church in Orlando – see you guys in March 😉

Right I’m off to finish reading a book by William Booth …

P.S the feature picture I chose because it made me laugh and reminded me of our cat Belle when shes asleep in the bathroom sink and you need to brush your teeth!